Desire Discrepancy: Why it’s not about matching libido

Sexual desire is one of the most frequently encountered areas in clinical practice. Especially desire discrepancy (when the people involved sexually show different “levels” of desire, creating conflict) is one of the main drivers that bring clients into our practices.

However common, sexual desire discrepancy remains one of the most difficult problems to treat. In this article, we will outline how trying to match libidos makes it even more difficult to treat. Then, we will describe how treatment can be successful against all odds – as long as it is not about matching libidos.

How the idea of matching libidos makes desire discrepancy more difficult to treat

1.1 It is a quiet, unrealistic hope that many clients come in with

When asking clients about their hope for treatment outcomes, many answer something along the lines of “We want to overcome our differences in how often we crave sex, we seem to have such different libidos”. What they mean is that they hope they can match each other’s libido, potentially magically being so in sync that when one partner wants it, the other does so too. While this idea of magical synchronicity may be present especially in the beginning of relationships and commitments, long-term magical alignment is an unrealistic expectation.

1.2 Clinicians may secretly share the hope to match libidos

Importantly, it can also happen to us clinicians that this magical thinking creeps in: Matching libidos feels like a measurable outcome and a clear goal, and sometimes we may accidentally substitute it for the more complicated process of understanding and enhancing pleasure and desire in the first place.

1.3 Many clients are attached to their implicit understanding of desire as being spontaneous, hot, and all-encompassing

When asked about what exactly they mean with “libido”, many clients describe what scientists call “spontaneous desire”. It is this seemingly out-of-nowhere emerging wish to get intimate with the other. However, desire can also emerge more responsive: Instead of becoming aroused and interested in more out of the blue, many people develop desire in response to being touched pleasantly, in response to being flirted with, or maybe cared for. For people whose main profile of desire is “responsive”, the hope to match the other person’s spontaneous libido is just unrealistic and does more harm than good, trying to turn them into something that they just aren’t.

1.4 Many clients do not know their own mechanisms of responsive and spontaneous desire

When thinking about spontaneous and responsive desire, many clients struggle to understand their own mechanisms of each. When, if at all, do they experience spontaneous desire? What creates responsive desire in them? A crucial point in answering these questions is to understand what one likes. We only ever want more of things that feel good, so in order to desire intimacy, it has to feel good. But what does actually feel good to each of the people involved? Where does it feel good to be touched or kissed or whatever else? Under what circumstances does it feel good to be touched or kissed? May there be a specific time of the day? Without understanding and “mapping” one’s desire as well as the other’s desire, treating the discrepancy between these maps becomes much more difficult and the ambition to match each other stands in the way of this understanding.

 

How treating desire discrepancy can be successful – as long as it is not about matching libido

The keyword in treatment for desire discrepancy is “quality over quantity”. Often, the difference in desire styles has piled up considerable distress, and first, it is important to reduce that stress. Otherwise, pleasurable experiences don’t stand a chance at all, and desire is unlikely to find its way back into the dynamic.

2.1 Abandon the pressure to “match each other” and replace it with understanding each other

Trying to match the apparently “higher libido” partner, whose desire is at times just more spontaneous, creates pressure and distress that we want to avoid. It asymmetrically places the burden on the “lower-desire person”, neglecting the relational dimension of desire. What pleasure has ever come out of distress? Therefore, it is important to start with the factors we described above: Instead of trying to match each other’s libido, the desire discrepancy can be understood as a chance to understand each other’s pleasure and desire mechanisms in more depth.

2.2 Start with exploring each other’s non-sexual pleasure

Understanding each other’s pleasures and desire mechanisms can begin outside the bedroom – and it arguably should. Often, getting sexual is charged with conditioned stress responses for the “lower desire” person still, and focusing on non-sexual (physical) pleasures can help the process of building the capacity for sexual desire later on. At the same time, the “higher desire” person can learn to tolerate uncertainties and become more creative in how to give the other pleasure. Physical touch such as holding hands, massaging each other, or cuddling can be great ways to explore physical pleasures and desires. Importantly, these pleasures should also be pursued as an end in itself: Being more affectionate will improve the quality of the relationship regardless of whether or not it influences sexual desire eventually.

2.3 Make pleasure the main character of sexual intimacy

The wish to “match” each other shifts the focus of sexual interactions toward the specific task of matching each other, creating achievement pressure. This directly opposes the nature of desire: Desire can only grow out of what we find pleasurable, when we are relaxed, and when we feel safe, and achievement pressure is the exact opposite of that. Therefore, we have to shift the focus back to where it belongs: Pleasure. Interestingly, a lot of intimacy can develop when we take the time to understand how not only the clients’ expectations for desire but also sexual scripts, past experiences, and fixed ideas may take away from the pleasure of sexual intimacy.

2.4 Take the time to understand underlying or structural issues

As long as our focus is on matching libidos, we miss the chance to understand crucial contributing factors: Sometimes, relationship dynamics, traumatic past experiences, stress, health issues, asymmetrical workloads or external circumstances influence desire discrepancy. It is due to such structural factors that we often observe how especially people who were raised in contexts that discourage them from understanding their desire while taking over responsibility for other’s pleasures come in with a perceived lower level of desire. As long as such structural issues go unaddressed, truly helping those who experience or have experienced them becomes impossible. Attending to them, whether through dedicated work or referrals to specialists, is often what allows desire to genuinely re-emerge.

 

Conclusion

As we have outlined in this blog, one key aspect of treating desire discrepancy is not to try to match people’s libidos. Instead, it can be understood as a chance to understand each other’s ways of experiencing pleasure and desire better, potentially facilitating more closeness and intimacy and improving the relationship quality beyond the bedroom.

 

If you want to learn more about desire, pleasure, and desire discrepancy, we recommend that you watch these lectures:

The Interconnectedness of Sexual Arousal, Desire, and Pleasure, by Jim Pfaus

Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder in Women, by Annamaria Giraldi

Male Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, by Yacov Reisman